Nothing, Really.

People come and go. I'm used to that idea. 

Sitting here, observing people's behaviors isn't really boring at all. Or maybe there's just a severe lack of excitement that I'm actually open to just be... watching. 

There's this woman, a parent, a teacher, I suppose, who I had the "pleasure" of working with, tapping her keyboard like hell, grimacing. I wonder what she's typing. She appears to be in pain. Or she's probably constipated. It can be one of these things. Whatever. Now she's joined by her husband who I believe is a coach, forgot the sport though. 

I couldn't think of an appropriate song for this post so I left it blank. Ehh... and maybe, just maybe, I'm too lazy to copy and paste the stupid link. I feel too many things at the same time, my stomach's churning and light-headedness is getting to me. Add the fact that today's my "first day", and ladies and gentlemen, we have a very interesting ballgame. 

I've done something wrong. Lately. I can't take it back but I can probably learn to "enjoy" it. After all, faking is one of the intricacies of life I had long perfected. I have absolutely no problem pretending to be owning specific emotions I have no business having right now but, oh well. I'm me. And I'm certain I'm kind of like Dexter Morgan, a monster, only without that strong urge to thrust knives into someone's chest. Or maybe I haven't realized it yet, but I do. I'm starting to scare myself. 

He has left. I have gone. She has arrived. Dawn of a new day. There's just no room for weakness now. My gut says I'm wrong. But I don't really care anymore. Moving to a new environment may help plenty. But that's a couple of weeks at most from today. 

I'm thrilled. Yeah, right. I'm nervous. Err... It's maddening. More and more, I'm losing track of time, of those people caring enough to ask me how I am at least once a week. I'm even beginning to think hopeless thoughts, like, I'll never be able to find the other "me" again. The "me" that can deal well. The "me" that can effortlessly smile at even the most trivial of stuff. The "me" that finds creative ways to channel intense emotions. The "me" that is better than who I really am. 

My cooking skills will be tested. Again. Just to digress... I guess the 17th floor is better than the 16th. We got room 11. If we had the same room a floor below, I would have jumped off the window for the obvious trickery God is playing on me. 

YELO said I think way too much about the future. That she liked hearing the plans I have for Christmas or for next year, but at the same time, she didn't want to be subjected to false hope. She has a point. A clear one and I had no answer for that except keep my promises and be someone deserving of such a person. *sigh*

I wanted to post explanations for my "temporary insanity" shoot but I lost all intentions to. One of these days. 

Temporary Insanity

Explanations come way later. :)


It's 6 in the morning and I haven't slept yet so... 

Overdue

Torpe - Barbie Almalbis / Hungry Young Poets

Namamatay na ang mga rosas sa tabi,

Di ka pa rin bumibili

Nauubos na ang oras sa kahihintay,

Pero ni sulat, ni tawag wala

- After more than a decade, things haven't changed much.

Been meaning to write for a while. And I have. Just that I couldn't post what I have so far. Or maybe I'm just too frigging lazy to copy the ones I have in my damn laptop. 


I told a friend that I have a lot on my plate as of late. Funny how things are. Me? Staying at home, doing absolutely nothing, having a load to take care of? Well, yeah. I have to start with fixing myself right? I'm not totally fixed but, there's a bunch'a stuff in my life I find more enjoyable at the moment. Laughing freely doesn't come as often as well, now. And for that, I have Keiron Matthew Sycor Trevett to thank. Thanks man, for opening my eyes. I knew I could count on you. At all freaking times. Thank you, thank you. 


Dumbest Move of the Century Award goes to........ ME! Just had to say that. I let go of something far more valuable than my batch ring can ever be eight years ago. I shouldn't have acted like a total moron. I should have done this, I should have done that. Well, boo-hoo. Too late, amigo. What I can do now is prolly get my ass off this chair, pack my things, look for a job "there" and have a nice get-together with....... KB. Oh man... Thinking about what happened between us during college makes me want to drive a thousand nails into my brain. I mean, seriously. KB, KB, KB... A keeper. Uber moronic of me to let that special connection go. And for what? Air. What an idiot. 


So I'm writing two novels at once, see? One of CAT Guys and the other, my The L Word fanfic. And all I can think about is how stupid I was to effing do what my characters always seem to do in most chapters. 


Oh, and I don't think of He-Who-Can't-Be-Named any longer. He only pops up when he forcefully inserts his name in my SMS inbox. And when I'm amazed at myself for not thinking about him - say what? 


Did have my fun singing songs with a coupl'a friends earlier. I was a virgin. Haven't tried videoke before. Big deal. Got over it and am going for a second round maybe later this week, if time permits. Good way to get those bad vibes out of my system. Don't know howta sing well without my guitar backing me up but what the hell. Might as well. Punched in 9 songs, should have been 10 if it weren't for whatever error that was. I have another set in my phone for the next visit. 


Torpe. AMA used to dedicate that song to me way back in high school. Rightfully so. Not proud of it but what can I do? It was true. Still is. Haven't gotten over the fear of saying something wrong or doing something stupid or whatnot. Beats me how some folks can walk up to the ones they admire and just be themselves. I was always the shy one, the timid one, the awkward one. God help me. I hate this. 


And so... Hello World! It's me, 17 again.