Blah-ness

Missing You - John Waite

Everytime I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here
And you're miles away
And I'm wondering why you left


I ain't missing you
I can lie to myself

- I keep lying to myself. 

What in blazes is wrong with the world that no one can just leave me alone to rot? I mean, I'm out here, doing nothing at all and people just seem to love messing with my head so much they'd go miles racking things up. Wow, especially when I really, really thought things are moving along, they, nope, HE, finds ways to go way overboard. It's like saying I have no right to park myself in the middle of bright, healthy sunshine. Well, well. Get lost!!! I'm trying here. Just please.

I have a lot on my plate lately, more when I return home. Even I wonder why. Is it a prerequisite for me to feel overly fatigued, stressed out, fed up, devoid of emotions and sorely hurt all at once before I can finally step on it to reach that elusive feeling of content?

I have no idea what my ethos is. I lost that when I threw away my will to actually exist in this Godforsaken piece of land. My philosophy has always been to let myself be whoever I feel like without the liberty to judge people for choosing how they want to spend their lives. Now? I don't effing know. 

Dear Lord, can you let up a bit? You know, sending signals and stuff like that? I'd like to think that everything happening, blowing up in my face hours, days before I wrote this was purely coincidental. That it's my mind over-analyzing, misinterpreting things. That I was reading too much into what I deemed obvious. But Jesus Christ! How many times have I seen August 30? I don't particularly like canoodling with the idea that there's hope for me in the near future. It's called false hope. And I, as your daughter, deserve much, much better. Unless of course, you have devised of another way for me to learn more about carrying out that altruistic self friends usually say I am.

What do you want me to do? Keep marveling at how flawless HE moves? Gawk at HIM while he runs around making a fool of me? Hell no. But then again, HE's total eye candy, so easy on the eyes.  Oh, send me straight to hell! Deviant. Pathetic. Nonetheless... <-- Go get a life! 

(Insert: Frustration) I was about to post more, only my compo wasn't saved. And I'm not in the mood to recover the thoughts I lost. It was mostly about ArBie and the cool dude he introduced me (which I call "Ar"), the big DSLR talk, Nikon babies, lenses, strobes, flashes and you get the gist right? We loved badmouthing Canon! That was the best part! Too bad, ArBie couldn't keep up...

And I hate myself. Been reflecting about my life. And ArBie. And Ardoy. The fact that I can type ArBie's name first than HIS is progress, right? Gotta be. Else, I'm still effed.